Kevmanyo's Vlog Week 4 (9.14 - 9.21)

Hey guys, its that time again, I know this is late but I hope you enjoy it!

(This upcoming weeks vlog is gonna be AWESOME though)

Kevmanyo's Vlog 2 (9/1/09 through 9/7/09)

Here we go again, another week filled with the crazy happenings of my life. haha

Kevmanyo's Vlog (Week 1)

New vlog, Check Check Check it out!

Week 1

Well here we go again, another semester of school. I hope I can keep it together like I did last semester. I am not really worried about any of my classes though. I guess my psych class and math class seem to have a lot of homework, But that is to be expected.

The girls in my classes seem to be pretty cute and nice. A few in particular are standing out to me that I hope I can build a friendship with. There is this girl named Cambria in my Psych class. I think that is pretty fuckin cool, seeing as how I have never seen the name used outside of one of my favorite bands.

I feel like I am already somewhat loosing touch with my friends who have moved away. Speaking of, Casey/Lauren & Alyssa we need to start out Group Vlog soon k?

Other than that, this has been a pretty average week. Good times I guess...

Today Is a Good Day

I'm happy to say that today is great. I got my money finally, I'm rebuilding some friendships, I've made a few cheesy movies with my friends, and all is well.

New Video!

It's nice that finally some things are turning around in my life after a kinda of rough summer (emotionally I mean) Because I didn't like waking up and questioning whether or not the day ahead would be good or bad. I am right where I want to be, and that's the best thing I could ever ask for.

I mean sure, there a few things in life I wish I had at the moment, like my 360 to be repaired or a new HD video camera. But those things will come in time when I finally get a new job (which I have not completely given up on... It will come if i stay patient and keep my head up.)

In short, "It's a great day to be alive. I know the sun shines shinin when I close my eyes, and theres good times in the neighborhood. I wish every day was just the good!" (Yeah its country, get over it lol)

This Is It, This Is It

Yesterday my favorite band broke up. As Cities Burn have contributed the most to me musically and spiritually, and now they have decided to call it quits. This is not the first time they have broken up, but it seems it will be the last. They just released a CD not more than 3 months ago (The cover art can be seen as my blog logo, and the title of my blog is derived from a combination the albums name and one of my favorite songs on it)

It puzzled me that they didn't begin touring the day the album was finished... Especially after how well received "Come Now Sleep" was considering that they had completely changed their genre from post-hardcore to more of an indie sound. And "Hell or Highwater" proved that the style change was not only for the best, but the best decision the band has ever made.

So when I found out they had broken up I was so let down. They are one of the few bands that i really loved putting my money into. The reason I am so distraught about this whole thing is that I have never seen them live once in the 4 years that I have been enjoying their music. Now I might never get the chance... This Is It, This Is It...

Love Jealous One, Love.

I really... REALLY hate reading old myspace comments and messages. It honestly makes me feel like shit. I have had soo many friends in my life... What the FUCK happened to them all? Some ended, I was responsible for more than id like to admit... But when I really think about it... I miss them.

I miss the way I used to stay up late and talk to Carrera on the phone, I miss the way Rachel and I would watch movies, I missed watching episode after episode of The Office with Sara, I miss the way Hannah and me planned out our dream house for the day we would inevitably get hitched, the way me and Gabe would jam, I miss going to Jasons house and messing around, I miss Jordan having to drive me everywhere, I miss the long nights I used to have with Nicole and Alex... I miss the days on end that I would spend with Mandy and Nicole... Sometimes that is the one I missed most...

If I could go back and time and fix all of these friendships, find out where they went wrong and prevent it, I would. But I can't play god... I also don't think any of them Would want me back anyways. What do I do when I get these nostalgic happy memories and realize that they are so out of reach that thinking about them is pointless. I have a lot of problems, I just want to find someone who wants to keep me around...

I love you guys...

Now start loving eachother... :/

Never Take Friendship Personal

If you can't find yourself, then how can I expect to find you.
If you can't hold yourself together, Why should I hold you now?

Lyrics above courtesy of Anberlin.

Anyways, I find it hard to believe that someone who claimed to be such a huge part of your life can just walk out on you. How heartless can you be? I also find it amusing that I should expect any different from people with my experiences under my belt. I meet someone, I begin to like them, I gain feelings for them, they tell me we should just be friends. And after all of that we don't speak anymore. How does that happen?

I miss the way things used to be, I love my friends, I love my past friends even still... And I spend a lot of time wondering if they even care, or think about me from time to time. Ex-girlfriends, Ex-Best friends, even acquaintances I had in general. My freshman and sophomore years of high school were so great. I remember meeting and growing up with soo many people that aren't even around anymore. What happened?

We (as people) grew apart, we went our separate ways, we did what was best for the other. That's how the movies make it out to be. But that just isn't realistic. What really happened is we changed, we grew tired of one another, and we never looked back. That's the harsh reality. Although sometimes late at night, I look back and wonder... what could have been.

Sleeping Sickness

So I eventually fell asleep at 6 am. I had dreams of an up-beat positive future that was coming for me. One where I could find all the joys of this earth, and all of the happiness that could fill a mans soul. Then I woke up, turned over and it was 2 in the afternoon. After this I realized I was stuck in my regular boring life again. I have a good amount of friends to give meaning to it all sometimes. But most of the time I feel like a burden, and I just end up staying at home.

My job search has been to no avail... I have about 20 applications floating around. Not even 1 place has called me back. All the while my friend who I went job searching with has gotten a job, and the only store I REALLY wanted to work at, called her back. I'm happy that she finally got a job, she was unemployed for just as long as me. But it just sucks when you don't have more than 5 months or so of job experience (Thank you sears for that seasonal position btw, I appreciate it) Note the sarcasm. I hope the managers there feel like shit for dumping 20 people from that store right when we started to see the economy turn to shit. Fucking swell.

I am just sick of all this. None of it is fair, not to me, not to my family, or any of the hardworking people who are struggling to stay afloat in this economic climate. It makes me wish I had payed attention in my Macroeconomics course I took in my first semester of college. Maybe then I could make sense of all this shit.

I will try to maintain a positive attitude, but I fear it won't be long until I let the injustice of this world swallow me hole.

Messes of men?

Well, at first I was very confused. I just added a playlist to my blog, and one of the songs (Messes of Men) was supposed to be a Mewithoutyou track, but for some reason its a piece of slam poetry. I was surprised at first, and then I listened to it. TO MY ORIGINAL DISMAY, IT IS PERFECT. Brings me back to the days when I slam'd in tempe on mill ave. (Yes I'm aware that was only a few months back, whatever I don't wanna hear your shit). Anyways, I just wanted to point it out. If you aren't into it, you can just skip it, cause its staying. AND NOW, I can finally sleep.

Come Now Sleep

I wanted to first point something out, A lot of my posts will have some connection with an As Cities Burn song title, or lyric, or album name. I know it's kind of odd, but I cant help but think that they say the words that I can't. My blog title is in fact a collection of song and album titles from them, as well as the background art. I found it to be very effective because the saying "Hell or Highwater" means many things, such as strength, will power, and overall courage. Which I hope I display in my ramblings on this blog. And "Into The Sea" works perfectly with it, because together it means I am going to press onward through life, no matter how hard it gets, in the hopes of finding a greater happiness.

Now that I have that out of the way, I'll continue with the title of this specific post title. Come Now Sleep... AT THIS MOMENT, Nothing could be more relavent. It is almost 5 in the morning, I can not sleep... It has been like this since before summer started, and it is really taking its tole on me. Physically, mentally, emotionally. No matter how hard I try, I cant close my eyes. I just stare. The worst thing is, when I am trying to fall asleep, I think about life. All of the unanswered questions. The meaning, the reason, searching for something in my memory that can help me define it. Nothing comes to mind, nothing ever comes to mind. So here I lie...

I have noticed I have lost a considerable amount of people in my life lately. Is it me? Do I drive people away... I feel like i get to a point in my relationships with people where I cant stand the small things that have always bugged me about them, and I explode. However, I do not instigate this. The person pushes me to the edge, and I push back full force... Then they are gone, and they erase me. Sometimes not just metaphorically. Honestly, How immature are you when you straight up delete friends on facebook and twitter just because you get into a fight. It makes me so frustrated. And I have realized I have lost at least 10 really close people in my life over the past year for this reason alone. Should I change, should I ignore the flaws that I cant help but scrutinize in people? I don't know...

Over this summer, Ive gotten close with several people (Lauren, Casey, and Alyssa you guys are awesome, never change) Ive also drifted apart from more. But I wont name names, they know who they are. And frankly they aren't going to be reading my thoughts anyways. All I know is that from all the people I know, at least I can always count on a few (Mikey and Zach especially, don't know where id be without these guys to be honest) and the aforementioned obviously. And I thank god all the time to have these people in my life.

Now that I have it all out on paper so to speak, I can finally start to sleep. "Throw yourself into the sea, take me somewhere, anywhere else...."